"Acceptance of what can never be"
        by Sara Jaye


        This is a short, bittersweet Tasuki fic I came up with last night. 
I was reading through Utena and FY websites and fics, and while I'd had 
the idea of this floating in my head for awhile, the urge to actually 
WRITE it just came to me. ^_^; I'm rather proud of it even if it's pure 
angst. ^^;;

[Disclaimers: Fushigi Yuugi and its characters belong to Watase Yuu.
This is an angsty yaoi fanfic, so you know the drill. Don't like it, stop 
reading right now. Otherwise, enjoy.]

                                ~


It's not fair.

Why does he love him and not me? Why can't I be the one he calls his 
beloved, the one he is so affectionate with? Those eyes that sparkle in 
the sunlight, the smile that lights up the darkest room, that sweet, 
gentle voice...only for his love...

It's not fair! Hotohori has everything going for him already. Good looks, 
power, and now the one I love...

If I were the emperor and not just some low-life bandit, would you love 
me? If I were tall, dark, handsome, and introspective, would you look at 
me with those beautiful eyes, talk to me in that sweet voice?

Just seeing you with him hurts. Seeing the look in your eyes when you're 
together...the look that will never be for me. It's all I can do not to 
just...break down and cry.

Thinking back to my unrequited love for Miaka, it doesn't seem like much 
compared to this. Maybe because Miaka was destined for Tamahome and deep 
down, I guess...I knew I didn't have a chance. But it seemed so unlikely 
you would ever get to be with Hotohori. Your unrequited love was like 
mine. We were so much alike, it seemed, I thought maybe there was a chance 
for us.

I hate being wrong. I hate Hotohori. I even hate you, to some extent. It's 
bad enough you don't love me, but you continually show it off. You're even 
worse than Miaka and Tamahome, you can't keep your hands off each other 
50% of the time! It's disgusting!

No. It's not your fault. You can't help being in love...if only I weren't 
so damn bitter.

Just seeing you kiss him...makes me pyshically ill, it hurts so much. Just 
wishing I was the one...knowing I never was...never will be...

Was it not me who comforted you when you were so depressed over your 
unrequited love? Whose arms did you cry in at night? Who told you how 
wonderful you were and that the emperor was a fool not to notice? Who 
reassured you that you weren't alone?

I did.

But it was never enough, was it? I just wasn't enough.

Your feelings for me remained the same.

A friend. Nothing more.

I guess that's all I'll ever be to you, huh?

A friend.

Better than nothing, right?

Even if I can accept it, it won't erase the pain of knowing. Knowing no 
matter how strong my love for you is, how much I wish I was the one...
it'll never change anything. You and Hotohori were destined for each 
other. And all I can do is accept it, just be here...just care about you.

I'm sorry. I'm so caught up feeling sorry for myself and pining away for 
you...I'm so selfish. You can't make someone love you, no matter how hard 
you try, or how much you wish. It probably doesn't seem like this at the 
moment, but I just want you to be happy. And he makes you happy, so why 
argue with that? You deserve this after the hell you've been through.

It hurts...but I need to try and let go. My love for you is a love that 
cannot be, and I have to accept that.

But no matter what, I'll always be here for you. If you ever need a 
shoulder to cry on, if you ever feel lonely at night...I'm here.

I love you, Nuriko.

Setsunakutemo...Zutto...

                                ~End~


        I apologize if I made any Tasuki fans cry with this. ^^; "Poor 
guy, why is he always so heartbroken over Nuriko in this girl's fics?", 
right? I really do like Tasuki, and I love fanfics that end with him happy 
and in love. But if you know me and my writing by now, you realize I do 
this to a lot of characters I like. ^_^;
        "And why can't Tasuki just get with Nuriko?". Well, I believe that 
Nuriko just couldn't love anyone else after Hotohori, try as he may. He 
loved the emperor with all his heart, even if he said he would give up 
trying for a relationship with him. So if Tasuki had feelings for Nuriko, 
they would most likely be one-sided.
        Besides, he and Chichiri are pretty damn cute together. ^^