"Guilt" by Sara Jaye This is the counterpart to "Gateau Mocha: The Man Behind the Muscles". It's from Marron's POV, when he overhears Gateau crying in his sleep one night about his feelings for Marron and the other stuff he was angsting about in "Man behind the muscles". This isn't AS angsty as its companion, but it's still pretty angsty. [Sorcerer Hunters belongs to Rei Omishi and Satoru Akahori, I'm just borrowing the characters for awhile. This fic contains lots of angst, and strong shounen ai/yaoi themes, so if you're not comfortable with that, don't read any further.] ~ I can't sleep. All day he's barely said a word to anyone. Instead of his usual posing and flirting, he just stares into space. I'm worried about him. Earlier, he looked like he was going to cry. I've never seen him cry. I've never seen Gateau Mocha be anything but laid back, or when we were fighting the sorcerers, completely focused. I watch him as I lie awake in my bed. He's sleeping...or at least appears to be asleep. Then it starts. It starts off as tossing, turning and mumbling, then I hear words... "Lonely..." "Useless..." "My sister..." "I love you..." The last set of words grabs me. He's...telling someone he loves them? His parents? His sister? I know he's still hurt over losing them... "I love you..." He says it again. No, he's not talking about his family...his voice...the way he says "love"...I listen again, strangely curious. Who could Gateau be in love with? I feel guilty for listening like this, but...I can't help wondering. "I...love you...Marron..." ...What?! No, he didn't...I must be hearing things, he...did he just say he loved ME? "I love you, Marron." Yes...yes, he did. I know he loves flirting with me and begging me to look at his muscles, but...true love? It's not like I never suspected, but...to hear it from him...in his own voice... Gateau... "I love you, Marron." I feel dizzy. I don't know what to think...he loves me, but the way he says it...he sounds like he's in pain, like he's crying. I hear a faint sniff, a choked sob... He IS crying. "I know you won't take me seriously if you ever know. I'm sorry if...I've ever caused you annoyance or pain." What?! Why would he ever think that?! Sure, I never favor his gestures with more than a silent stare, but... "You'll never feel the same way..." To be honest, I...really don't know how I feel about you. You're one of my best friends, but...other than that, I...I don't know. "It hurts. You only care about your magic...studying...and you'll only let your brother get close to you. Am I just not good enough in your eyes?" Niisan... I feel my eyes sting with tears. I know I love niisan more than anything, but...I didn't know it affected Gateau that much. He really thinks that? That he isn't good enough for me because of my love for niisan? "He hates me anyway...accusing me of perverting his dear little brother." But he's not serious! He's just being an overprotective big brother! Gateau, you're one of his best friends, he doesn't hate you just for flirting with me! "I'm nothing compared to Carrot...I'm worthless as a big brother, I couldn't even stop my own sister from being taken away by that bastard..." His shoulders shake as he dissolves into silent sobs. Unable to take it anymore, I turn away, tears dripping down my cheeks. "Oh, Gateau..." Is this what he dreams about every night? This is why he's been so unlike himself lately...all his flirting, his showing off, his "LOOK AT MEEEE!", is that hiding all this? "But...can't let them know...never take me seriously...don't want them to worry..." I look at him again. This can't be him, this can't be Gateau Mocha...if it is... "Marron..." It hits me like a slap in the face. Me...I'm causing him pain...I'm one of the reasons he's crying so... I'm hurting him. "Gateau..." I choke, forcing myself not to cry. If I start crying, I'll wake him up, and he'll blame himself for my tears... "Marron...I'm sorry..." No, Gateau...I'm sorry...I'm sorry I'm making you cry. I'm sorry you feel this way... I get out of bed and walk over to him, gently tucking his covers around him a bit. "I wish you could sleep easy, Gateau...I'm sorry..." I whisper. He doesn't hear me. He mumbles my name, an apology, and one more... "I love you." I fall back into my bed and pull the covers tightly around myself. I'm sorry, Gateau...I'm sorry you feel this way. And I'm sorry I just don't know how I truly feel about you. ~End~ *sniff* The angst! ;_; I actually cried while writing this fic. ^^;; This story is also based on the roleplay I did with Tabichan. ^_^;; The inspiration to write this story came practically out of nowhere, too. But I'm not complaining! ^_^ And I apologize for lying in the earlier disclaimer...this WAS probably as angsty as its companion. ^^; Maybe even more. I've GOT to stop making these characters angst so much...first it was the FY lot, then Mariko in my Oniisama e fic, now the SH lot! ^_^;; Then there's the Dark Kingdom lot, but I don't count em as much cause I was an angsty mess myself when I wrote the majority of those fics. :P Okay, I've rambled enough. ^^;