Author:  pulsar (pulsar03@juno.com)
Title:  Who Wants To Marry A Gundam Pilot? part 3/3 and epilogue
Warnings:  Various characters + Mystery pilot (I'm sure you can all guess
who it is, though), yaoi and yuri-ness, sarcasm and mocking of Who Wants
To Marry A Multi-Millionaire and Who Wants To Be A Princess (and people
who watched those shows), mocking of just about everyone, Relena-bashing,
rampant OOCness
Archive:  The Yaoi Collection (www.yaoicollection.com), Black Ice 
(www.fortunecity.com/athena/nightingale/236), Yummy Yummy Yaoi!  A
Buffet of Bishounen! (http://simon_the_duck.tripod.com/Yaoi), and
Shinigami's Faithful's site (http://gboytoys.stormpages.com)  If anyone
else wants to archive my stuff, just ask me.
Disclaimer:  GW is not mine.
Notes:  Dacia challenged the GWML members to write a parody of Who Wants
To Be A Princess (girls compete to marry some prince they've never met. 
It was a TV special on Fox.) and I wrote one.  It's written in script
format, so all actions are in parenthesis.  And as always, thanks to
Rayamon for betaing!  Anyway, please let me know what you think!



part 3

Last time...
 
Announcer: Thank you for the interview, Duo. And now it’s time for our
bachelor to send off four of our contestants.
 
tbc...
 
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
 
(A stagehand brings Announcer a sealed envelope. Announcer opens it.)

Announcer: "Relena, Noin, Sally, and Rashid are gone."

(Noin and Rashid are sad, but leave quietly. Sally barely manages to
suppress her rage, but makes it offstage without losing her temper.
Relena, however, pitches a fit. She’s dragged offstage kicking and
screaming.)

Anita: Nooo! Miss Relena!

(Anita attempts to follow Relena but is held back by security guards.)

Announcer: Miss Life, you can’t leave unless you lose!

Anita: (wails) Miss Relena!

Announcer: (mutters) They don’t pay me enough for this…

Anita: RELENA!!!

Catherine: For God’s sake…

(Catherine punches Anita, who falls to the ground unconscious.)

Announcer: Thank you!

(Catherine cracks her knuckles.)

Catherine: My pleasure.

Announcer: Okay, time for the talent competition! First up is Catherine,
who will be performing her knife-throwing act.

Catherine: I’ll need an assistant… Anyone not afraid of death?

Duo: It’d be kinda hard to be scared of myself. Bring it on, Catherine!

(Duo stands in front of Catherine’s target board.)

Catherine: Ready?

Duo: Ready!

(Catherine throws the knives. On knife has fastened Duo’s left sleeve to
the board; another did the same to his right pants leg. One knife was
millimeters away from piercing his left ear, and another knife was
dangerously close to circumcising him. Duo is unfazed. Catherine removes
her knives.)

Catherine: Thanks, Duo.

Duo: Anytime.

Announcer: Let’s hear it for Catherine!

(Audience erupts with cheers and clapping.)

Announcer: Our next contestant is Miss Catalonia, who will be fencing.

(Dorothy puts on her faceguard. A random fencing expert is shoved onstage
and given a foil and a faceguard. Dorothy and the expert begin their
match. Executing a terribly complicated move that I can’t even begin to
describe [perhaps because I know next to nothing about fencing and I’m
B.S.ing my way through this], Dorothy knocks his foil away and puts the
tip of her foil on his chest above his heart.)

Announcer: How about a nice round of applause for Miss Catalonia, eh?

(Audience hoots and hollers. Dorothy and the expert remove the
mask-thingys and shake hands. The expert leaves.)

Announcer: Next up is Miss Schbeiker who will take apart and reconstruct
a small-block engine in under three minutes.

(A stagehand wheels out a cart with an engine and tools on it. The
stagehand gives Announcer a stopwatch.)

Announcer: Ready, Miss Schbeiker?

(Hilde rolls up her sleves and nods.)

Announcer: Go!

(Announcer starts the stopwatch. Hilde rapidly takes apart the engine and
then puts it together again. The audience seems impressed with her speed.
Hilde finishes and looks at Announcer, who stops the watch.)

Announcer: Two minutes, forty-nine seconds!

(Audience cheers. Hilde smiles and wipes her hands on a towel the
stagehand gives her. The stagehand wheels the cart offstage.)

Announcer: Hey, after the show, do you think you could take a look at my
Camry? (1)

Hilde: (laughs) Sure.

Announcer: Now it’s Anita Life’s turn to wow us with her talent. Miss
Life?

(Anita is still unconscious. A stagehand rushes out with smelling salts
and revives her.)

Announcer: Anita, it’s time for you to perform your talent.

(Anita stand and smoothes her hair. She clears her throat.)

Anita: I am going to recite an original poem. "Relena, Relena, you’re
prettier than the rest. Relena, Relena, I want to touch your-"

Announcer: Okay, that’s QUITE enough! Thank you, Miss Life. Now it’s
Duo’s turn. And he will be…?

Duo: I will be performing a striptease. (2)

Announcer: (excited) Really?!

(Duo winks. Music starts up. Duo unbuttons the rest of his shirt and lets
it fall to the ground. He steps out of his shoes and kicks them into the
audience. There is much cheering. Duo turns his back to the audience and
slowly bends at the waist and removes his socks. There is more cheering.
He turns back around and unbuttons his fly. He runs his hands over his
body and undoes his braid. About half the audience must be restrained.
Announcer also must be held back.)

Announcer: I want! I want!

(Duo grins and moves his hands to his zipper pull. Announcer begins to
hyperventilate and babble senselessly.)

Announcer: Habba-hup-hup-homina-hup-hup-huwaahnaa…

(Music is abruptly cut off. Everyone not entranced by Duo’s striptease
[i.e., the vision-impaired audience members and Duo himself] appear
confused as to why the music stopped. Since the music has stopped, Duo
rebuttons his pants and puts his shirt back on. Deprived of their
half-naked bishi sex-god, the audience members snap out of their
lust-induced trance. Announcer also returns to normal, or at least as
normal as she’s ever been.)

Duo: What the hell happened?

(Relena rushes onstage, chased by security guards.)

Relena: HEEEEERRROOOOO!

(Everyone winces. All dogs within a three mile radius begins to howl and
pray for quick death. Catherine punches Relena. Relena collapses.
Catherine cracks her knuckles. Everyone cheers for Catherine.)

Announcer: Thank you very much, Catherine!

(Catherine smiles demurely.)

Announcer: Now it’s time to get rid of all but two contestants. Who will
stay and who will go? Let’s find out.

(A stagehand brings out a sealed envelope and hands it to Announcer. The
stagehand drags Relena backstage. Announcer opens the envelope.)

Announcer: (reads paper) "Dorothy, Hilde, and Anita are gone. Catherine
and Duo stay."

(Anita scurries offstage to find Relena and probably try to grope her
while she’s unconscious. Hilde and Dorothy shrug and head offstage. Hilde
slips Dorothy a room key as she walks past her. Dorothy looks at the key
and then at Hilde, who raises an eyebrow slightly. Dorothy smirks and
pockets the key. Hilde grins.)

Announcer: Okay, our final round consists of you each giving a 30-second
speech on why you should win. Ready, Catherine?

(Catherine shrugs.)

Catherine: Sure, why not. Um, I should win because I punched out Anita
and Relena.

Announcer: And?

Catherine: And… I’m sexy. The end. Speech over.

Announcer: Okie-dokie. Duo?

Duo: If I have to give a reason why you should chose to marry me, then I
don’t want to marry you. All the reason you need to marry someone is in
your own heart.

Announcer: Well said. Now let’s reveal our bachelor and see who he
chooses! Come on out!

(Heero walks onstage and kisses Duo.)

Heero: (whispers) I love you, Duo. Marry me.

Duo: (grinning) Yes.

(They kiss again. Everyone cheers. Relena rushes back onstage.)

Relena: Heero! No! Don’t kiss him, he’s a boy!

(Catherine punches her again and she collapses. Duo and Heero, oblivious,
continue kissing.)



Epilogue

Heero and Duo were married two days later. The best men were the other
Gundam pilots and Announcer was the flower girl. Relena showed up and
tried to stop the wedding. The maid of honor, Catherine, broke Relena’s
nose. It was a beautiful wedding, and everyone except Relena had a
wonderful time, but that doesn’t matter because nobody gives a damn what
Relena thinks about anything. In fact, it’s debatable whether she thinks
at all.

The End.


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

(1) My brother owns a Toyota Camry and it's always in need of repair. 
Not that Camrys are bad, it's just that he puts it though a lot.  One
time some guy sideswiped him and his sideview mirror broke off and flew
into the backseat.

(2) Inspired by Willa, who I bought my GW cds from.  I read her reviews
of the cds on her website and she said something about "Kitto OK" being
made for stripping to.  Thanks to her for putting that DELICIOUS image in
my head!

Well, it's over now!  It was so much fun to write!  Thanks, Dacia, for
posting that challenge!  I hope you all enjoyed it, and I'd sure love
some feedback!

-pulsar