Author's note: Wow. I haven't posted a fic in a while. This fic is not a part of my ongoing taito (which I am still working on, if anyone still cares.) This is a Koushiro X Taichi fic. I don't know what that's called. (Kouchi?) I know I could call it a Taishiro, but I'm trying to be more accurate with seme/uke, since that matters to some people. This is told in Koushiro's POV. It takes place not long after 02. And in case anyone cares, the psychology stuff I talk about is accurate. And if anyone would care to discuss psychology with me, just e-mail me. I would love to use my (rather limited) knowledge of the subject. Also, in case anyone cares, at the end of the fic, the math calculation _is_ accurate. I even accounted for a leap day. (I'm anal-retentive, what can I say?) Ooh, and before I forget, this was beta-d by the most excellent Rayamon. Thanks, Rayamon! Warning: Um, there's really not a whole lot to warn you about, other than Koushiro being a bit of a dirty little pervert, but c'mon, people, are we honestly surprised? He spends all his time on the computer *cough* looking at porn *cough*, he's quiet (we quiet ones are the worst...), and to top it all off, he's a teenage boy. Just the last item by itself should spell out pervert. (I realize I'm generalizing, but based on the boys I know, it's fairly accurate.) Disclaimer: Nothing is mine, but I would love to own some feedback. (hint, hint!) ~*~*~*~ Koushiro’s Confession (Operation Pavlov) by pulsar Manipulative. Generally not a word one would use to describe me. But truth be told, that is the most precise descriptor of my behavior that I have ever heard, with the possible exceptions of unethical and selfish. I know what I’m doing is wrong. I never asked for his permission to use him in this experiment. I do not have his consent to alter his behavior. I know this is wrong. And yet, I do not stop. Doing this to him makes me a monster of sorts, but I have my reasons. I love him. God help me, I love him. I have for years. I love him so desperately that I willingly manipulate him so that one day, he may love me in return. God, I sound like some pathetic, love-struck character from a poorly-written soap opera. But I suppose that’s partly true. I am love-struck. And I suppose I must be pretty pathetic to sink this low merely for the love of one man. But his love isn’t mere, not to me. And he isn’t just any man. He is my angel. My love. My everything. My Taichi. But he isn’t. Mine, I mean. Not yet. But someday... He’ll begin to respond. He’s already becoming more accepting of my closeness. But I’m probably confusing you. I should begin at the beginning. Most people only see me as a computer nerd. But I have other, less prominent interests. And no, I’m not referring to Taichi, though he does interest me... I’m talking about psychology, the scientific study of behavior and mental processes. Particularly, I am interested in classical conditioning. Ivan Pavlov, a Russian biologist and physiologist, is quite possibly the most recognizable name in the field of behavior. He trained a dog to salivate when he rang a tuning fork. Each time he fed the dog, he would ring the fork. Soon the dog associated hearing to the tuning fork with being fed, and he would salivate in response to the sound because he anticipated the coming food. It’s a fairly simple concept. Anyway, that’s essentially what I’m doing to Taichi. Conditioning him, training him to welcome my affection. I do this by teaching him to associate my touch with pleasant things. When something good happens to him, like winning a big soccer game, I congratulate him and give him a brief hug. In theory, if I do this enough, he will associate the good feeling that comes from winning with my touch. Thus, he will welcome and encourage my affection because he will relate feeling good to being touched by me. This also works when he is upset or hurt. If he feels bad and I hug him, he is comforted and feels better. Thus, he may consider my touch a comfort, and will crave it because it makes him feel better. It seems that since the concept is so simple, conditioning him like this would be easy and quick, but it’s not. It hasn’t been easy, and it’s taken a long time just to make this much progress. The first time I “accidentally” brushed my hand across his, he kind of freaked out. Now, it’s not out of the ordinary for me to put my hand on his shoulder or even give him an occasional hug. At an appropriate time, of course. He’s cool with getting a quick hug after winning a soccer game against our school’s rival, but I know better than to just glomp him out of the blue, though I wouldn’t exactly mind... This is a long, slow process. If I try to rush this, he might be okay with it, but he’ll probably be frightened away. I’m not willing to take that chance. I’ve put too much effort into this to lose him now. It’s been six years since I began the conditioning. Six years since I realized I was in love with him. Six years is a long time to secretly be in love with your friend. And honestly, I’m surprised I’ve been able to conceal it for so long. Every time I’m near him I feel this overpowering urge to throw my arms around him and kiss him. Actually, that’s not all I’m urged to do... God, I’m such a hentai. “Hey, Koushiro!” My heart leaps into my throat as I hear him call my name. I do my best to act nonchalant as I reply. “Hey, Taichi. What’s up?” “A digiegg is missing from Primary Village and Elecmon’s freaking out. He can’t search for it and take care of all the baby digimon, so we were all gonna go to the digital world and find it for him. You in?” “Sure. Are you going?” “Yup.” “I thought you had soccer practice.” "Canceled. Good thing, too.” “Why’s that good? You love soccer practice.” “Not when my knee hurts.” “Still? Taichi, you need to see a doctor.” “It’s not that bad, Kou. Besides, if I had practice, I wouldn’t be able to help look for the digiegg.” Did he just call me Kou? Since when did he have a nickname for me? Is that a good sign? Taking my silence as assent, he grabs my arm and drags me down the hall to the computer room. I don’t really mind, though I’d actually prefer if he dragged me to the gym. Those tumbling mats are quite comfortable... Geez, who slipped me the aphrodisiacs today?! I can’t seem to keep my mind out of the gutter. As I struggle to control my bad thoughts, Taichi opens the digiport and we are pulled through. We come through the portal very near to Primary Village. We enter the village and are greeted by a very stressed Elecmon. He informs us that the others have already departed, but that we could try going southeast, since the others were covering the other directions. Abruptly, he ends our conversation and runs off to stop one of the baby digimon who had started to wander away from the village. “Wait, Elecmon! What’s the egg look like?” I call to him. Continuing to run, he shouts to us that the egg is small and ovoid. I roll my eyes. “And...?” “And what? It’s an egg. What more do you need to know?” Taichi laughs at my evident frustration. “What color is it?” he asks Elecmon. “It’s got yellow polka-dots on it.” We stand there for a moment. Now that we know what exactly to look for, I expect Taichi to take the lead, as he usually does, but he just stands there. Perhaps he’s tired of being the leader. Can’t really blame him for that. We went through a lot, all of us digidestined, but I think he went through the most of all, being our leader. Taking the initiative, I grasp Taichi’s arm and gently pull him into motion. I lead him southeast and we head into the forest. We walk a ways in companionable silence until Taichi interrupts the quiet. “Were you planning on letting go of me at any time?” I realize that I am still holding his arm. I quickly let go and mentally attempt to quell the blush which I know is turning my face nearly the same shade as my hair. Taichi laughs at my blush. “Don’t sweat it, Kou. It’s no big deal.” I turn away from him and continue walking, angry at myself for forgetting I was holding him and for letting him see me blush. I walk faster, trying to work through my anger and embarrassment. I don’t realize how fast I’m walking until he calls out my name. His voice seems far away. I stop in my tracks and turn around. A minute passes and he still hasn’t appeared. “Taichi?” I call, walking back in the direction I had just come from. I’m a bit worried. No matter how fast I go, Taichi should be able to catch up with me in a matter of seconds. Heck, he runs faster than I can type. He should have caught up by now. “Taichi!” I call again. “You lookin’ for me?” he asks with an impish grin as he enters the small clearing. I breathe a small sigh of relief as he walks towards me. I notice that he is favoring his left leg and trying to to show it. He sees me watching him limp. “Taichi -” “I’m fine. Let’s just find the digiegg.” “But Taichi -” “Stop nagging me, Koushiro! I’m fine!” he yells. I know he’s lying, but if he wants to keep going, I can’t convince him not to. And physically forcing him to stop is out of the question. I can’t possibly overpower him, and we don’t have anything I could use to restrain him, unless you count our clothes, and while the thought of Taichi naked and tied up (with his consent, of course) is rather appealing... Well, it’s not about to happen. “Fine, Taichi. We’ll keep going.” I turn and begin to walk again. We walk for a while, much as before, though now the silence is more strained than companionable. Taichi’s limp becomes more extreme. I say nothing, but I slow down so that he won’t have to walk so fast. His limp seems to get better as we go slower, but suddenly he falls to the ground, clutching his knee and trying not to cry out. In an instant I am on the ground with him, my hands closing over his. Gently, I pull his fingers from his knee and place my hands on his injured joint. I softly probe the area with the pads of my fingers, checking his wound. It seems a bit inflamed. He winces as I press a bit too firmly. “Sorry,” I whisper, rubbing the sore spot gently. He nods, eyes closed. “Thanks, Kou.” Though he tries to hide it, I hear the pain in his voice. “It’s no problem, but I wish Jyou was here. I really don’t know much about first aid,” I say, still massaging his knee. “Not that,” he says. I look up at him, confused. “I mean for not saying ‘I told you so’.” Our eyes meet for a moment and I am lost in the deep pools of brown. Without meaning to, I begin to lean forward. Suddenly, I realize what I am doing. Flustered, I pull back and let go of his knee. I look away. He does the same. “Oh.” I clear my throat, trying to regain my composure. “Well... you’re welcome.” We sit there for a few moments in uncomfortable silence. “Um, Koushiro?” he asks. I look up at him again. He looks uncomfortable, maybe even nervous, not at all like his usual self. “Can... can you rub my knee again. It - it hurts.” “Yeah... sure.” He wants me to touch him... Stop it, Koushiro. He didn’t mean it that way. Did he? I shake my head to clear my thoughts and gently massage his knee. After a few minutes, I glance up at him. His eyes are closed and his head is tilted back. His lips are slightly parted and I honestly don’t think I’ve ever wanted him more. I continue the massage as I watch him. I am mesmerized by the rhythmical rising and falling of his chest as he breathes. I am startled by a sudden intake of air and a following low moan. I check to make sure I am only rubbing his knee. I am relieved to find out my hand has not slipped. Not that I would really mind... I continue my gentle massage. With each following movement of my hand, he moans again. I like that sound. I add a bit more pressure and he moans even louder. It’s music to my ears. That sound, combined with the look of bliss on his angelic face, makes my desire nearly unbearable. I have to kiss him. I think I’ll die if I don’t. But at the same time, I can’t. What if he’s so creeped out he never speaks to me again? But what if he’s not? What if he likes it? Oh, hell, I’m just gonna do it before I can convince myself not to. I lean over him and cup his face in my left hand. I press my lips to his and pray he won’t kill me when I let go. But I’m not going to think about letting go. I’m not going to think about anything. I’m just going to lose myself in his soft, warm lips. When I finally break our kiss, I linger by his lips for a moment, not wanting to move away. I open my eyes and look down onto his face. His eyes slowly flicker open and he looks up at me. “I love you,” I whisper, hardly even aware that I am saying it. We look at each other for a moment. I start to pull away, but he tilts his chin up, pressing his lips to mine. All too soon, he pulls away. He grins up at me. “I was wondering when you were going to say that.” My eyes widen and I stare at him in disbelief. “You knew?” He smiles. “I hoped.” He kisses me again. Oh. My. God. He knows... and he’s glad. He... well, aparrantly he feels the same way. He... he loves me. If I’m dreaming, I hope I never wake up. I have never been happier than this. Not only did I finally let my secret out, he feels the same way. A profound sense of relief washes over me. I kept this secret so long. Far too long. I’ve been in love with him for the better part of a decade. I waited six years to tell him. For six years, I tortured myself, too afraid to tell him and too stubborn to give up and move on. For six years, I waited for this moment. And he is worth all 189,302,400 seconds of the wait.