OK, folks, I'm going to give you a chance to run away.  You now have three seconds to get the hell out of here before you will be unable to escape the single most retarded fanfic of all time.  Three, two, one... oh well.  This isn't another late-night fic, although ever since I skipped a night's sleep to write "At The Stars", I've been in a perpetual state of semi-consciousness... Italics means that a character is thinking, and brackets describe the action...

***

[Open to a park--very well-kept, green, lush.  Flowers are blooming everywhere and ducks are frolicking in the water.  Families, artists, and hobos all intermingle; everyone seems reasonably content with the quality of life.]

[Next, the camera focuses on a certain path in the park.   Legato, carrying a paper sack, is walking down it.  His face is deadpan and he's walking slowly, with definite purpose.  Little kids see him and dodge off the path; parents pull their children behind them, making themselves human shields.  The slightest smile curves Legato's mouth.  We hear his thoughts as he pulls a hot dog out of the sack and starts chowing down:]

Legato: My name... is Legato Bluesummers.  I am dedicated to the destruction of the human race.  And I, along with the Gung-Ho Guns, work for Millions Knives.  Our mission?  To find and destroy his errant brother, Vash the Stampede.  It is a difficult job, but I do well.  You see, I am watching Vash all the time.  Veeeeeeeery closely...

[Legato stops at what looks like a lemonade stand, except that it's a photo stand.  That's right.  They develop pictures in one hour or less.   Why?  They've got to get business somehow.]

Legato: Are my pictures ready?

Photo Dude: Yes, sir!  At least, the first batch is--the second won't be ready for a few more minutes, OK?

Legato: [evil stare] You said it would be an hour.  A pity you lied to me.

[He gives the Photo Dude and evil stare.  The Dude suddenly picks up a roll of film and proceeds to hang himself with it.  Why?  Legato's special like that.]

[The all-powerful blue-haired egomaniac leaves the photo stand, clutching his ill-gotten gains.  He pauses to flip the package open and glimpse inside.  And get this, folks: the most hentai grin imaginable plasters itself all over his face.  Whatever those photos are, he's very, very, very, very, very happy to see them.]

Legato: Ah, yes... watching extremely closely...

[The camera cuts to where we're peeking over his shoulder.  He pulls out the first photo, and it fills the screen: Vash when he stripped buck-naked and barked like a dog.  A thick puff of dust conveniently hovers over What's Important.   Why?  Because God has a strange sense of humor.]

[If anything, the hentai grin on Legato's face gets bigger.]

Legato: Aw, baby, get on your knees and bark for me...

[Next photo: Vash in the shower.  Water is glistening on his skin and running down his face.  His eyes are half-open, and he appears to be gazing at the camera.  A thick cloud of steam covers his unmentionables (which is a stupid word, because if it was unmentionable, then why the hell did I just mention it?).]

Legato: Oh my God, he's all slicked up... Let me towel you off there, Vash-chan!

[Next photo: Vash in bed.  He's kicked off most of the sheets, except for a single corner which blocks any prying eyes from figuring out the gauge of his fourth gun.  Lying back on a bunch of pillows, he's got an empty box of doughnuts in his lap... and is licking excess powdered sugar off his fingers.  His expression is one of innocent ecstasy.]

Legato: I'm sure there are so many other things you could be doing with that talented mouth...

[He flips to the next photo, which we can't see just yet.   Why?  Cuz I'm the goddam writer.]

Legato: But Vash isn't the only one I must watch.   I have to keep a wary eye on his friends, as well.  You never know what his crazy companions might try.

[The new photo fills the screen: Milly trying on some new underwear.  She's wearing a sparkly blue thong and is in the process of undoing (or putting on) the matching bra--which, sadly, is much too small.  Her jahoobies are just about ready to pop out of their prisons.  She's reaching behind her with both hands to undo (or connect) the bra clasp, unconsciously thrusting her chest towards the audience.]

Legato: Let me help you take that off, sweetheart... I've got a few "cases" you could "investigate", you know!

[Next photo: Meryl cleaning her room.  Oddly enough, the only thing she's wearing is a T-Shirt meant for a baby doll and cutoff shorts that look like denim underwear.  And unlike Milly, she has no bra.  Why?  Because it's a law of physics.  Anime women are physically incapable of cleaning, cooking, or doing any sort of movement while wearing a bra, unless that woman is butt-ugly.  Which means that Meryl should be wearing a bra.  But she's not.  So that's not the point.  Anyhow, Meryl is on her knees, reaching under the bed; the camera caught her in profile, with her ass up in the air in an unintentionally seductive manner.  Her chest, small or not, is about to fall out of her shirt, and one can see the rim of her black lacy underwear hanging out the back of her cutoffs.  Why?  She's a skanky little insurance girl.]

Legato: A little higher, baby... Oh, I'd let you file my papers any day...

[Next and best photo: Wolfwood reading in bed.  He's lying on his belly, propped up with pillows, and absorbed in reading a trashy bodice-ripper.   Fabio's on the cover.  Why?  He gets paid to pose shirtless.  Nick is also shirtless.  Coincidence?  Beats me, but I'm sending an expert in on it.   Nick, like Vash of yesterphoto, has naught but a corner of the sheets covering his behind.  And he's eating a lollipop.  A strawberry-flavored Blow Pop, in fact.   Also in fact, his tongue had just flicked out to curl around the Blow Pop precisely when the picture was taken.  As if it were planned.  And it was; but it was planned by the writer, not Legato.]

[Oh, yeah... Legato exists, doesn't he?  Well, rendered utterly speechless by the Lollipop Pic, he proceeds to fall over with his hentai grin getting wider all the time.  He giggles like an Ewok on speed and cuddles the precious photos to his chest.  The skull on his armor looks worried and sweatdrops.   Why?  You would be, too, if you were attached to a horny blue-haired guy's shoulder.]

Skull: Oh, Lord, he's at it again!

[Legato flicks the skull in annoyance.  Its empty eyesockets get all quivery, and it weeps in huge anime-stream fashion.  He yanks it off his armor and launches it into the stratosphere.  As he gets up from the ground, he suddenly hears a familiar voice.]

Familiar Voice: Legato, do you have those pictures yet?

[Legato turns around, about to protest that he owns any pictures, but stops when he sees that the speaker is Knives.  Oh, yeah: Knives is wearing a trenchcoat.  Under that he has on a pink frilly bra stuffed with toilet paper, equally frilly pink underwear with a picture of The Happy Hippo on the crotch, and pink high heels.  Why?  Because Knives, Milly and Quatre all go underwear shopping together.  You shoulda seen the little green number Quatre-sama took home!]

Legato: M-m-m-m-master?

Knives: Exactly!  Now gimme the goddam pics!

Legato: B-b-but sir, you promised I'd be compensated for this!

Knives: Oh, if you must...!  How much do you want?

[They suddenly turn into chibi-SD-mode.  Knives gets all shimmery-eyed with anticipation while Legato waves around the photos.  Why?  Why the fuck do you keep asking dumb questions?]

Legato: I have four of Milly, four of Meryl, and eight each of Vash and Nicky-chan!  I'll let 'em go for 5$$ each!  Now if you want the ones of the Gung-Ho Guns skinny-dipping, you'll have to wait a few minutes for them to be developed!

Knives [screaming and waving his arms around like a teenybopper groupie at a Backstreet Boys concert] OOOOO!  OOOOO!  OOOOO!  I want big copies of the Lollipop Pic!  BIG ones!

Sudden Chorus Of Unknown But Undeniably Pissed-Off Voices: Legato!!!   Knives!!!

[The two naughty boys sweatdrop severely as they slowly turn in unison to face the voices.  Camera focuses on the speakers: it's Vash, Nick, Meryl, Milly, and all the Gung-Ho Guns that have received a speaking part as of yet in the English version.  That means the Maxx-look-alike from "Diablo", Midvalley, Dominique, Rai-Dai, and EG Mine.  Vash has pulled out his Angel Arm and is aiming it at his hentai brother and partner-in-crime.]

Midvalley: How many times will we have to discipline you two for stunts like this?

Dominique: The Jell-O Incident was bad enough... now you have to be voyeurs, too?!

Wolfwood: Vash, everyone else is already out of character--you might as well be, too!  Blow 'em both to Hell!

Legato: [evil grin] Yes, please!

[The whole crowd sweatdrops.  Midvalley quietly vomits in the background.  Vash quietly pulls the trigger on the Angel Arm (is there a trigger?   I dunno).]

[The camera quickly zooms out, until it's one of those shots where it looks like we're orbiting the planet.  We see a huge beam of light shoot up from the surface and towards the camera.  Legato and Knives are riding the light, screaming like maniacs, their hair and clothes and pictures on fire.  In a funny way, of course.  Quick blackout just before the hapless hentais would have slammed into the camera.]

[Back to the surface.  Vash has put his third gun away again.   Everyone stares at each other.  Somebody coughs.  Finally, after a 10-minute staring contest, the Gung-Ho Guns aimlessly exit.]

Milly: Well.  That was surreal, wasn't it, senpai?

Meryl: This is a 100% English fic, Milly.  Lay off the 'senpais'.

Milly: But the Princess of Pain used 'hentai' at least three times already, and that's Japanese!

Meryl: Five times!  And stop nit-picking!

[The two exit, arguing.  Only Vash and Wolfwood remain.   They are both gazing at their feet; they then turn and look at each other, faces completely neutral]

Vash: ...

Wolfwood: ...

Vash: ...

Wolfwood: ...

Vash: ...

Wolfwood: ...

Vash: ...

Wolfwood: ...

Vash: ...So... Wanna fuck?

Wolfwood: ...Sure.

[Vash pulls a dog collar and black leather leash out of his pocket.   He buckles the collar around Nick's neck and yanks him off-camera, laughing crazily all the while.  A tumbleweed scuttles across the desert sand as the camera fades.]

[Blackout.]