All I can say is... you asked for it.  Hope someone out there appreciates this humor.  BTW, the last Gung-ho Gun I met was Rai-Dai the Blade, so there's no Zazie or any of the others after him... sorry!  ::ducks:: I didn't want to mess with that and wind up getting flamed for OOCness.  And this one is based quite firmly on the original Omake Theater, so if you haven't seen it, then you'll probably think I'm crazy for thinking of something stupid like this... And you're right.   ^__________~

***

[Camera shot fades in.  We see Chibi-Knives swaddled in blankets and curled up in bed.  His room is decorated with pictures of capering forest animals from Disney movies.  An entire shelf has been dedicated to stuffed animals of all sorts.  His blankets are pink and frilly, much like his underwear was in the first Omake Theater takeoff.  He's cuddling an adorable stuffed bear.   Legato, wearing a modest blue dress with an apron over it, is sitting in a rocking chair next to the bed, balancing a huge picture-book on his knees.]

Chibi-Knives: Legato?

Legato: Yes, Master?

Chibi-Knives: Can you read me that story again?

Legato: Which one, Master?  The one about the Jell-O Incident?

Chibi-Knives: No, the other one.

Legato: The one about all the doughnut shops in the world burning down and Vash's head exploding?

Chibi-Knives: That was funny... and yet, no.

Legato: Oh.  Oh!  You wanna hear the one about all the mean things being done to Vash!

Chibi-Knives: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!  YEA MEAN THINGS BEING DONE TO VASH!!!!!

[Suddenly, a crowd of die-hard Vash groupies appears in the front yard.  They start throwing rocks at the window and burning Knives in effigy.]

Die-Hard Vash Groupies: [chanting tonelessly] Don't... Bash... Vash!  Don't... Bash... Vash!

Chibi-Knives: Oh, Legato, I'm afraid!

Legato: Don't worry, Master!

[Legato looks out the window and gives the crowd an evil glare.   All 92,435,346 fangirls immediately throw themselves on their own Vash figurines and die of impalement.  Legato then goes back to the rocking chair, picks up the big book, flips to a certain page, and begins to read:]

BS Gung-ho Guns Theater!!!!!

Act One

[Scribbly child-like drawing.  Chibi-Knives and Chibi-Legato have Chibi-Vash in a guillotine.  Vash is weeping in huge streams and screaming his head off.  Knives and Legato are both cackling and dancing the Funky Chicken.   Legato accidentally elbows the switch on the guillotine, and the blade drops down, beheading Vash, who continues to weep and scream.]

Knives: [elbows Legato] You moron!  How am I supposed to convert him to my evil ways if he's dead?!

Legato: [on knees] I'm so sorry, Master--I--I just kinda got caught up in the moment, Master!

Vash's Disconnected Head: NICKY-CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!

Knives: Now how the hell are we going to get him to shut up?!

Legato: I could telepathically command him to eat his own tongue.

Knives: No good... He could still make noise.

Legato: I could give his head to the other Gung-ho Guns and tell them it's a football.  It's not like they're smart enough to know the difference.

Knives: I just need him to be quiet!

Vash's Disconnected Head: NICKY-CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!   I'M COOOOOOOOOOOOMINNNG!!!

[Vash's hair suddenly grows and turns into spider legs.  His disconnected head crawls off-camera.]

Legato: Heh.  He said 'coming'.

Knives: Now, if only he'd learn to use his powers for evil...

Act II

[The scene switches to a park.  Lots of cherry trees are around, and like in all animes where cherry trees are featured, they are shedding their flowers.  Puddles of pink are absolutely everywhere.  Nick and Vash are standing face to face, looking completely serious (for once).  They've been standing there for quite some time: little piles of petals have build up in their hair, on their shoulders, and in every crevice of clothing.]

Vash: ...

Wolfwood: ...

Vash: ...

Wolfwood: ...

Vash: ...

Wolfwood: ...

Vash: ...

Wolfwood: ...

Vash: ...So... Wanna fuck?

Wolfwood: ...Sure.

[Vash once again pulls out his trusty bondage collar and leash, but Nick stops him.]

Wolfwood: But first, there's something you should know about me.

Vash: [slowly puts away dog collar] What is it?

Wolfwood: You're not going to like it.

Vash: You said the same thing before we tried it with that nice vinaigrette.

Wolfwood: Well, that really does help with tossing a salad.   But this is different.

Vash: You can tell me anything, Nick.

Wolfwood: [looks mighty uncomfortable] Uh... well... ummmmm... Vash, I really, really like you, and the sex is great, but...

Vash: Wait a minute.  Why is there a 'but' there?  What 'but'?

Wolfwood: ...I'm a Gung-ho Gun.  I'm supposed to be killing you.

Vash: [stares] If you really want to kill me, you've been using the wrong gun.

Wolfwood:  I know that!  But there's something else, too.

Vash: What?

Wolfwood: ...I have a fetish for sumo wrestlers.

Vash: WHAT?

[Nick suddenly turns into a sumo-wrestler from the neck down, from the incredibly fat body to the black thong with a silver cross over the crotch.]

Wolfwood: SUMO!  YUP!  SUMO FOR MEEEEEEEEEE!   [starts backing away] Uh... yeah... sumo this... sumo that...

[Wolfwood disappears.  Vash is left behind, sweatdropping mightily and twitching.  All at once, The Happy Hippo drops out of the sky, landing on Vash and killing him instantly.]

Act 3

[Back to the July disaster.  Vash is on the ground, writhing and screaming as his Angel Arm forms itself.  Knives stands over him, cackling and mocking him.  Vash slowly changes his aim so that it's pointing vaguely in Knives's direction.]

Knives: You're actually pointing that thing at me?  You--are actually--trying--to hurt--me?!?!?!?!?

[Vash pulls the trigger on the Angel Arm (does it have a trigger?   I still don't know.  It'll be one of those things, like the old 80's commercial about how many licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop.  The world will never know); a blinding flash of light fills the screen...]

[The light fades.  Nothing happened.  Vash stares at the Angel Arm in amazement.  Knives, who ducked under the bed for protection, now crawls out again.]

Knives: I wasn't hiding, I swear to God!

Vash: I--I--I don't understand!

Knives:  HA!  I have befuddled you once more, my asinine brother!

Vash: ...Huh?

Knives: You fool!  Your Angel Arm in this fanfic is a semi-automatic.  It has to be cocked before you can fire it.

Vash: Uh, how do I cock it?

Knives: You have to activate your fourth gun first.

Vash: My fourth gun?

Knives: Yes!  Unfortunately for you, the only person known to get your fourth gun to fire was Wolfwood, and he ran off with a sumo wrestling team!   Bwahahahahahahahahaha!

Vash: But that wasn't in this timeline.

Knives: Oh, fuck you!

[Knives whips out a pistol and shoots Vash twelve times in the head.  Vash only has enough time to twitch before he dies.  Knives drops the gun and starts doing the Dance of the Happy Cadavers (trademarked by Jillsaboo) over his brother's body.]

Knives: [singing] "Do a little dance... make a little love... get down tonight!"

Act Quatre

[Blank screen.  Quatre, dressed only in a green bra, green panties, and green bitch-boots, walks onscreen.]

Quatre: Did I hear my name mentioned?

Kat: NO!

[Wolfwood's sumo wrestling team drops from the sky and lands on top of Quatre, crushing him flatter than Meryl's chest.]

[Screen switches to the outside of the Motel 6 where all the Trigun cast members stay after they finish shooting.  From inside, through the miracle of modern technology and a lazy writer, we hear Knives's voice:]

Knives: Hey, Vash... look at this.

Vash: Look at what?

Knives: This!

[Long pause.]

Vash:  ...Hmmm... Heh-heh-heh... Hahahahahaha... HAHAHAHAHA!   HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-->cough, cough< HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  OH, GOD!  THAT'S LUDICROUS!! HAHAHAHAHA-->cough, wheeze, gasp< HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...

[We hear the sudden thump of a body hitting the floor...]

Knives: Perfect!

[The camera changes, to the interior of one of the motel rooms.  Dominique, Rai-Dai, EG Mine, Legato, and Midvalley are all sitting around and watching Real Sex 21.]

Dominique: I've tried that before.  It's impossible.

Rai-Dai: But they're using Crisco, you moron!  That's what you must have forgot.

Dominique: But Crisco makes an unpleasant odor when heated.

EG Mine: I prefer some lavender-scented oil myself.

Rai-Dai: That's because you're an imbecile who does not comprehend the value of death.

Midvalley: Rai, that was excessively random.

Legato: I miss my Master.

Midvalley: That was random too, sweetheart.

Legato: Anyhow, you're all wrong.  When Middy and I decided to try that one out, we used--

[Knives bursts through the door, carrying a rolled-up piece of paper.]

Knives: Guess what!  I invented the perfect killing machine!

Legato: That's wonderful, Master!  You are, after all, my guiding star and inspiration!

Midvalley:  ...So, is that the blueprint or something?

Knives: Don't be stupid!  This is my killing machine!

Midvalley:  Forgive my ignorance, but how is that going to kill anything?

Dominique: You could give them a nasty paper cut and leave them to bleed to death.

Rai-Dai: You could fold it up into a paper sword and stab them to death.

EG: Yeah!  Send 'em to Hell!

Knives: Legato, remind me to give you a hundred lashes with the scourge for hiring these guys.

Legato: Yes, Masters!  Thank you, Master!  Are you sure you don't want to give me more than a hundred?

Midvalley: So are we gonna see this killing machine in action or not?  Can I look at it?

[He tries to take the paper from Knives, who jerks it back and cradles it like a baby.]

Knives: Be careful!  The contents of this paper are so volatile, so ridiculous, so shockingly funny that the slightest glance could prove fatal!  You must never, ever, ever, ever look at this paper!  Now!  All we need is a test subject...

[The scene switches once again to the interior of a church.  Wolfwood is sitting in one of the front pews.  Knives and the Gung-ho Guns that the writer has managed to see so far are gathered in the aisle.]

Wolfwood: You need me for what?

Knives: To test the ultimate killing machine.

Wolfwood: Look, I'm awfully busy, can't you call another time?

Knives: This is kind of urgent, Nick, and besides, you've been slacking in your duties as one of my idolatrous worshippers...

[The camera focuses on Legato, who's hanging on to every word Knives says.   Suddenly, the skull on his armor pipes up:]

Skull:  Hey, you!  Have you lost all your brain cells from inhaling too much blue hair dye?

Legato: [hissing] Shut up!  I'm not supposed to talk to you anymore!

Skull: If I were you, I'd get out of here.

Legato: What for?

Midvalley: Legato, sweetie, you're not talking to the skull again, are you?

Legato: Noooooooooooo...

Midvalley:  Good.  Remember what happened last time...

Skull: Knives is gonna go bonkers and flash that paper at all of you.

Legato: How do you know?

Skull: I'm the skull.  Me and Kuroneko-sama run this universe.  I'm the silent partner, that's all.

[Camera switches back to Knives and Wolfwood.]

Wolfwood: Well... I suppose...

Knives: Then look at this!

[He unrolls the paper and holds it up in front of Wolfwood's face.  Nick peers at it for a few seconds; the look on his face is one of shocked amusement.  A grin slowly starts to spread over his face...]

Wolfwood:  ...That's, uh, interesting... Heh-heh-heh... Hahahahahaha... HAHAHAHAHA!

[He collapses on the ground, laughing helplessly.  He starts rolling around and beating his fist into the floor as tears come to his eyes.]

Wolfwood:  HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! [looks at it again] HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA-->cough, choke< HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  OH, GOD!  THAT'S THE STUPIDEST--HAHAHAHAHA-->cough, wheeze, gasp< HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...

[Wolfwood turns purple and dies.]

Knives: Ha!  I knew it worked when I tried it on Vash, but I needed to get rid of that sneaky bastard anyhow! [thinks] Wait a second...

[Back to Legato...]

Skull: I'm telling you, he's about to lose what few screws he has left!   You need to haul ass out of here!

Legato: But what's on that paper?

Skull: Knives drew a picture of the single most absurd thing he could think of.   Anyone who looks upon it is forced to laugh until they die.  There's no antidote for it.

Legato: But what is it?

Skull: Vash and Meryl having sex.  What else?

[Close-up of Knives.  He's getting evil thoughts...]

Knives: I could get rid of these idiots with one fell swoop!  That's it!   Hey, you guys!  Look over here!

[Dominique, Rai-Dai, and EG Mine all glance over at Knives, who's holding up his picture triumphantly.  Legato quickly throws himself at Midvalley and knocks him down before he can look.  The three Gung-ho Guns laugh themselves to death in a matter of seconds.  Knives tucks the paper under his arm and skips out of the church.]

Knives: [singing] "Oooops--I--did it again!"

[Legato and Midvalley get up off the ground.]

Midvalley: How'd you do that?

Legato: My armor skull told me.

[A flattened Quatre, still wearing green underwear, appears in the corner of the screen.]

Quatre: Is that like my Space Heart?

Kat: NO!  It's infinitely wiser and cooler than that!

Quatre: [crying in anime-stream-style] B-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-but Trowa thinks I'm special!

Kat: Trowa also wears his hair in one of the most pointless hairstyles known to man!

[The writer drops another team of sumo wrestlers on Quatre, turning him into sub-atomic particles that drift through the window and sail amongst the clouds.]

Legato: So... Knives is gone and everyone's dead.  What now?

Midvalley: I know!  Look at what I scavenged off Vash's corpse!

[He pulls Vash's dog collar and leash out of his pocket.  He clips it around Legato's neck and jerks him off-camera (pun most definitely intended).  The light slowly fades on the pile of bodies in the church...]

[Back in Chibi-Knives's bedroom, Legato closes the picture book.   Chibi-Knives is fast asleep.  The blue-haired man in the blue dress lightly pecks Knives on the forehead, and tiptoes out of the room.]

Legato: [to himself] And next thing you know, he'll be wiping out entire cities... they grow up so fast...

[Blackout.]