This is my first Slayers fic.  Ever.  Normally, I just plunge in and write whatever and don't worry about what others will think.  But I'm now in good standing in the fic-writing world (at least, with my Trigun fics I am) and I therefore want to keep writing good stuff.  With this fic... I just don't know.  I hated it while I was writing it, and for once, that hatred might not be unfounded.  So I'm asking you... please give a 100% honest review.

Moving on.  This is just plain... bizarre.  It skips from angst to comedy to weird angst to probably-OOC cruelty to more angst to fluff and romance to lemon-scented yaoi goodness to comedy and back to fluff again.  'Tis yet another late-nighter.  The lyrics belong to The Rolling Stones, and their relevance is due to my own interpretation, and not necessarily Mick Jagger's.  Feel free to email me if you have any questions about why I did what I did.

And yes, there is a fic at the end of these author's notes...

***

I see a red door and I want it painted black
No colours anymore, I want them to turn back

I'm tired of everything.

Loneliness, for instance.  I'm tired of loneliness.  I always watch the others and their happiness--the way they tease and laugh.  And I know that I can't join in, no matter what they say... I am, after all, a freak.

That's another one.  I'm sick of being different.  The only thing I want is to be normal again.  I don't want to have to pull a hood over my head and mask my face every time I enter a town.  I don't want to frighten people because of what I am.  Normality, acceptance...yes, that would be nice.

Lina, Amelia, and Gourry are far ahead of me on the path... but I can still hear them arguing about our destination.

"Restaurant!" Lina declares, whapping the hulking blonde upside the head.

"Hotel!" Gourry replies, kicking her weakly in the shins.   He's afraid he'll hurt her.  He should know better.

I wince as Lina swings her foot into Gourry's pride and joy.  Now on the ground, he whimpers: "Restaurant..."

"Oh!  Lina-san, is that how you... 'keep him in line'?" Amelia pipes up.  My blood runs cold at the sound of her voice.

"Uh... hai, Amelia.  It's the, um, just thing to do."

"It's just to kick men there, Lina-san?"

"Yeah!  Do it every chance you get!  It's a barrel of monkeys!"

Laughter.  Even Gourry, who's cupping himself and has turned the color of milk, is laughing.  How do they do it?  How can they laugh at nothing at all?

Viciousness swells up in me.  I wish they were all as miserable as I.   I wish they all were weighed with depression and hopelessness.

I wish they would forget how to smile.

I see the girls walk by, dressed in their summer clothes
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes

"Ne, Zel-chan!" Lina calls, waving her arms.  "Quit lagging!  The sooner we get there, the sooner we can eat!"

After watching her balls-kicking escapade, I'm in no hurry to catch up.   Amelia might decide to unleash this new brand of 'justice' on me, and even I have my sensitive areas.  I slow down my steps even more.  Lina makes a face at me, but I'm used to getting that reaction from her.  She and Amelia float Gourry into the air and carry on.

'Zel-chan'.  Why does she call me that, when it means nothing to either of us?

"Could be that she's trying to be friendly," a mocking voice says behind me.

I almost jump out of my skin (I should be so lucky).  "Xellos...!" I growl, not bothering to turn and face him.  "Are you reading my mind?"

"Nope, just your reaction."

"Leave me alone."

"Oh, come now.  You're always off by yourself; I thought you would like some company."

"Well, I wouldn't.  Go away."

He laughs.  "And you're going to make me?  You won't even look me in the eye."

A bad joke.  I've never seen his eyes, even when I've tried to look into them.   But I oblige him by turning to face him.  He's perched in a tree beside the path, all shrouded in violet, his staff resting across his knees.  His purple hair is perfectly in place, as is his mocking smile.  Neither of which I understand.

"There, is that so hard?  It's not like I'll bite."

"Somehow I doubt that."

"Zelgadis, you are far too untrusting.  Or do you prefer 'Zel-chan'?"

The nickname sounds interesting rolling off his tongue.  "I prefer it when you don't address me at all."

The smile disappears.  I'm inexplicably nervous; I must have gotten to him.   "You need to be careful, Zelgadis-san.  One day I might listen to you.   One day, we all might listen.  And then where will you be?"  Just as suddenly, the smile returns.  "Ja ne!"

He's gone...

I turn my attention ahead of me.  The others have almost disappeared.  I quicken my pace to catch up, keeping my eyes trained on the ground.

I don't want to see anymore...

I see a line of cars and they are painted black
With flowers and my love, both never to come back

Another bustling village filled with happy people.  Everyone nods and smiles and says hello as we pass.  Would they be so friendly if I wasn't hiding under my cowl?

I have my doubts.

Lina snaps me out of my thoughts with her battle-cry of: "ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT BUFFET!!"  She grabs my cloak in one hand and Gourry's hair in the other, and drags the both of us behind her.

"Lina, let me go!" I cry.

"Owowowowowowowowowowowow!!" Gourry weeps.

"Lina-san, wait up!" Amelia whines as she rushes to catch up.

We burst through the doors of the restaurant.  Lina claims a table and proceeds to go to the buffet and stuff her face.  Gourry immediately follows her.   Amelia, wanting to be just like her idol, fills up more plates of food than she could eat in a month.  I sit a little ways off, and politely refuse Lina's occasional offers of "This is good stuff, Zel-chan!" and "You've got to try this, Zel-chan!"  The smell of food is making my stomach rumble, but I'll wait until we get to the hotel and I can dine alone.  I don't want to remove my cloak and frighten the locals into chasing us out of town with pitchforks.

So I watch, and I wonder.

How do these people do it?  How can they love and laugh every blessed day?  How can so many people in such a tight space all be normal?  Are there no whores, no bastards, no lepers, no slaves?  Are there none who bear scars?  None with mental retardation?  No madmen?

No freaks?

I see it now: every heart in town is full of darkness, but gilded with denial...

I notice that Xellos has entered the restaurant.  He has his staff in one hand and a menu in the other.  "I don't see the problem with my order," he says.

"Sir, you can't just walk into a buffet and then only order a glass of water!" the exasperated waitress says.  "You have to buy a meal!   We can't just give water away!"

He sighs.  "Very well..."  He drops the menu in defeat.  As he leaves, he glances in my direction.  I blush as I realize I've been staring.  He smiles wider than usual and disappears into the crowd.

>I'm never going to see him again,< I idly think.

I wish it were true.

I see them turn their heads and quickly look away
Like a newborn baby, it just happens every day

An hour and a half later, the others finish stuffing themselves.  We pay and leave in search of a place to sleep; twilight has come, and the sun is squatting on the horizon.  We fins a cheap fleabag on the other side of town, and we each get separate rooms... thank goodness.

I put my bag in the closet, then lie down on the bed.  I'm immediately pricked by half-a-dozen springs sticking out of the mattress; if I didn't have such a thick hide, I'd have been skewered.

Come to think of it, the floor looks very comfortable...

I pull the comforter and topsheet off the bed and drop them on the ground.   I consider the pillows, then decide against taking one when a roach crawls out of one of the pillowcases.

I suppose if I took off my shirt and rolled it up, it would be a serviceable pillow.

I'm down to my pants when the maids walk in.  They're both rather pretty, tittering teenage girls.  One is pushing a cart and the other carries a crate of cleaning supplies.

"Uh--" I stammer.

"--and it turns out, she was pr--Oh, dear God!" the first one says.  Her eyes are the size of dinner plates.

The second one drops her crate.  Her eyes are big as well, and her mouth opens and closes, like she was a dying fish.

I blush out of sheer modesty, but on the inside, I despair.  "Do you mind?" I growl.

"Oh, uh, I'm, uh, t-t-terribly sorry, uh, I d-d-didn't, uh, mean t-t-to, uh, intrude, uh, s-s-sayonara!"

They're out the door so fast it nearly makes my head spin.  And what could I expect?  I, the freakish, horrifying outsider?

Not: I'm sorry for interrupting you, I'll come back later.   Not: I'll just be a moment, sir, and then I'll leave you in peace.

But: Oh, dear God!

I manage to lock the door and turn out the light before darkness and grief overwhelm me.

I look inside myself and see my heart is black
I see my red door, I must have it painted black

Hours of night tick past.  Slowly.  I stare at the clock, but its hands are paralyzed.  The moon refuses to rotate in the sky.

Is this hellish day ever going to end?

I look at nothing but the darkness, and I start to see it in my own heart.

How can I hope for a cure?  I was tainted before Rezo the Bastard ever touched me with his cursed magic.  I had an evil, cruel streak in me before I was mutated into a chimera.  I was ugly long before it started to show on my face.   What right have I to seek a cure?  Perhaps this is my punishment.

Perhaps I deserve this...

No... No, Zel-chan...

>Where did that voice come from?<

A knock at the door.  "Zelgadis-san?"

Ah, shit!  It's Amelia.  "Nani?"

"This place has a snack bar that's still open.  Wanna go?"

I haven't eaten since this morning.  "No."

"Are you sure, Zelgadis-san?  You didn't have a bite of supper--"

"If I wasn't sure, I would have said 'Maybe' instead of 'No'.   Go away."

"What's the matter, Zelgadis-san?"  She sounds concerned.   "Are you OK?"

"It's not like you actually care."

"Of course I do!"

"No, you don't.  You'd say the same thing and in the same tone of voice to a villain you'd just beaten.  You'd whore your heroism if you could.   Hell, you already do.  You talk about blazing justice and you don't know what justice means.  You don't know that justice is easily bribed, and if it gets paid to lean one way, then it doesn't care who it hurts.  You are a child.  Now, go away."

A long silence.  I can hear her sniffling.  I've made her cry.

"I HATE YOU, ZELGADIS-SAN!" she screams at the top of her lungs (and that's loud).  She stomps away, crying loud enough to wake other tenants.

Someone else is as miserable as I am...

...Good.

Maybe then I'll fade away and not have to face the facts
It's not easy facing up when your whole world is black

More time passes--never quickly enough.  Lina pounds on my door and demands to know what I did to Amelia.  I don't reply.  Gourry threatens to cut my door apart.  I tell him that if he does, I will destroy him with a flare arrow and call it self-defense.

Lina suggests that since I've been so caring to Amelia in the past, that I must be in love with her and afraid to show it.

When I stop laughing, I inform her that I was protecting a vapid teammate, and nothing more.

That gets her mad.  She starts calling me all sorts of creative names that bounce off my stony hide.  Finally, the manager arrives and forces her and Gourry back to their rooms, leaving me in peace.

And I am in perfect peace.  I'm not worried about a thing.  Why should I be?  Now they hate me as much as I hate myself.  That makes things so much easier.

I close my eyes and focus on the void which once contained a heart and soul--

There is no void, Zel-chan.

>Who is that?<

"Just me," that familiar mocking voice says.

"Shit," I say as I open my eyes.

Xellos is seated on the windowsill.  He's drenched in moonlight.   The smile on his face is small, but present.  "It's nice to see you, too," he says.

"Leave me be," I reply.

"You're bent on being a misanthrope, I see.  Well, I'm not leaving, so you're going to have to get used to the idea.

"Damn it, go!" I scream.

"Why?  So you can go back to hating yourself and everyone around you?  Tsk-tsk-tsk.  You ought to know me better than that."

"I don't know you at all.  And I don't care to know you.   Leave my room."

Why is my heart pounding so fast?

Why am I afraid that he'll heed my words?

No more will my green sea go turn a deeper blue
I could not foresee this thing happening to you

"You're a liar, chimera."

"Says the mazoku fruitcake."

He laughs.  "Touché.  On the other hand, isn't it true that a practiced liar is better able to recognize falsehoods in others?"

"And I'm supposed to trust your abilities?  I trust you about as far as I can throw you."

"Why, I never knew this about you, Zelgadis.  You're cruel, when you wish to be.  I don't believe anyone has ever treated Amelia so harshly in her entire life.  She's going to cry herself to sleep."

"Good."

"You're lying again."

"What makes you say that?"

"The pain and the fear in your eyes."

Oh, hell... how much does he see?  "I don't know what you mean."

"Another lie!  Really, you should know better by now."

"Quit teasing me and get the hell out of my room!"

"You're a little foul-mouth tonight."

"If you don't get out of here in ten seconds, then I will cast every spell I know until you're either dead, gone, or both.  And that is not a lie."

The mocking amusement dissipates from his countenance.  Once again, I'm nervous at the look on his face.  What on Earth is he thinking?  "I don't believe that you want me to leave at all," he says deliberately.  "I think you do care to know me.  I think you want to be close to me and to the others, but you're terrified of someone liking you too much.  If someone were to get too attached to you as you are, then you would have to accept that there's really nothing wrong with your appearance.  You'd have to accept that you're fine the way you are.   And that would mean giving up all efforts for a cure.  You do want acceptance, but you want it as a 'normal' person instead of as a chimera."  He pauses.   His bemusement returns.  "Right?"

Xellos has exposed me with a few sentences.  I'm in shock.  I stare at his smiling face, and know he must think my gaping, wide-eyed expression to be funny.

I don't need to say anything; he knows.  He laughs again and says, "Thought so.  What's the matter, Zelgadis?  Are you upset that I've destroyed all your reasons for depression?"

"I... I... I don't know what I feel."

"Surely you must feel something.  You heart isn't a stone, after all."

"Sometimes I think it must be."

"Please.  Rezo was good, but not that good."  Fluid as feline, he steps away from the windowsill and kneels beside me on my makeshift bed.   He pulls away my blankets to expose my abdomen.  Crystalline green-blue protrusions on my skin sparkle in the moonlight.  He places one of his pale hands on my chest, directly over where my heart should be.

I try to shout at him, but all my voice box can produce is a throaty gasp.   I try to shove him away, but my arms remain traitorously at my sides.  All I can do is stare.

His hand is so warm...

"Ah-ha!  Just as I suspected!"  He beams.   "You've got a heart, all right, and my word, it's beating fast!  Are you scared, Zel-chan?"

"Don't call me that," I whisper.

"Why not?  Are you afraid you'll grow to like it?

"Yes," I say before I can help myself.

His face grows serious.  His hand moves from my heart to my face.   He gently cups my chin, forcing me to look at him.  My heart starts fluttering.  It skips as he opens his eyes.  I've never seen him with them wide open before.  Large pools of lavender stare into my eyes...

I allow myself to realize that Xellos is beautiful.

His running his thumb over the stone protrusions studding my face, tender as the night.  "Know what I'm thinking?" he whispers.

"No."  My voice is hoarse.  I can barely hear myself, I'm so distracted by his touch.

"I am thinking," he whispers, "that I could love you if you gave me the chance."

It's my turn to speak, but my tongue has disappeared.  I nod.

"And what are you thinking?"

I struggle to talk.  "That... that I... could... I could love you, too... if I gave myself the chance."

He smiles without a trace of mockery, and I forget my darkness as he kisses me.

If I look hard enough into the setting sun
My love will laugh with me before the morning comes

As I awaken, my first thought is: >Was that real?<

I can feel him curled up next to me.  His arms are tight around my waist, pinning my back to his front, as though he were afraid I'd get away.  His head rests on my shoulder as if he were asleep, but he's wide awake.

Yes, it was real.

"Good," I whisper.

"Yeah, I was, wasn't I?" Xellos responds; I realize I spoke aloud.  "But then, so were you."

I'm blushing, I must be redder than Christmas, I can feel it... "Shut up."

"What?  You don't want me to compliment you?  You're very strange, Zel-chan."

"Baka."

"Make up your mind.  First you say I'm an evil mazoku, a trickster, and a damned fruitcake.  Then you have the decency to start calling me by my name.  A few hours ago, you were saying all sorts of things, such as 'do me harder, bitch' and 'oh, stop teasing me, you sex machine, and just fuck me'--"

"I never said that!"

"Well, no, but that was the general idea.  And now you're calling me a baka.  I do wish you'd make up your mind on what I am."

"Fruitcake."  But I'm laughing.

He kisses my neck, eliciting a gasp from me.  "Can't you think of something more flattering?"

His hands are wandering... "How about... Xel-chan?"

"Don't be silly.  People will get us confused."

"Yeah, we look so much alike, I'm sure they'll think we're twins."

His laughter and mine... what a beautiful sound.

I turn until I'm facing him, and I kiss him with more passion than I'm sure he thought possible.  He makes a sound somewhere between a gasp and a groan.   Then he pulls me even closer, kissing me hotly, invading my mouth.  I have no breath left by the time our lips part.  He smiles as I struggle to breathe, and his hand creeps downward... My whole body jolts at his touch.  "Xel-chan--" I mutter.

"Hai, Zel-chan?" he replies.

"Don't... don't stop..."

The door swings open.  I should have seen this coming a mile away.    Gourry stands in the doorway.  "Ne, Zelgadis, you need to go apologize to--"  The look on his face is pure, unadulterated shock.  He turns the exact same shade of blue as his armor and faints dead away.

I can't possibly get any redder than this...

"Don't worry about him," Xellos says.  "He'll live."

"But will he ever be the same?"

"I doubt it.  But that's his trouble."  That serious look crosses his face and settles into his violet eyes.  "Tell me... Are you going to be all right?"

I know what he's asking.  Am I beyond my petty depression?  Am I able to move on and accept myself as a chimera?  Can I think of myself as beautiful, and believe Xellos when he tells me as much?  Can I love?

"Yes," I say.  "I'm going to be all right."

"All right... then we can--"

"Zelgadis, you son of a bitch!" Lina hollers as she enters the room.  "How dare you--"  She stops when she notices that I happen to be naked, and that I'm naked with someone else.

"What were you saying, Lina?" I say, sitting up.

"Uh..."  She's gone pale.  I do believe I've managed to startle Lina Inverse into silence, something many have tried for and none have achieved.

Xellos sits up as well, and puts his arms around me.  He starts to kiss his way up my neck.

"Well, what is it?" I say to her.  "You were about to say something amusing, I think."

"Uh..."

"Go on, spit it out."  I'm starting to get distracted; Xellos has a talented mouth...

"Uh..."

The mazoku curls his tongue around my ear.  I close my eyes and groan before I realize it.  When I open them again, Lina has started to back away towards the door.

"Lina, if you're going to say something, you'd better say it quick," I say.

"Uh... Just that... You need to tell Amelia you're sorry," she says quickly.  "And the breakfast bar is open if you're hungry."

"I've got my breakfast right here," Xellos puts in.

"Gomen, Xel-chan, but I'm about to die of starvation," I say.   "Let's go."

"Well then!  That's great!" Lina giggles, heading towards the door.  "You two... just be sure to put some clothes on before you go downstairs.  Bai!"

I've never seen her move that fast before.

"Come on, then," he says.  "Where are your clothes?"

"You're asking me?  You're the one who took them off."

Our light banter evolves into kisses, which turn into something a bit more physical.

The world is colors, and for once, I am part of it...

~OWARI~

Er... O...K...  Who's the fruitcake, Xellos or me?