BEFORE:
As usual, I don't own these charas or the series. There's the obligatory yaoi, because I like that sort of thing, but nothing graphic. Watch out for the mythical spoiler and the legendary weird shit. This one rates about a 9.8 on the standard weird shit-o-meter. And yes, the narrator is me. The online hentais are led by Pork Rinds, and are composed of Jessica, Kailey, Gayle, Christine, and Lori. Shinobi is the Homophobic Hentai. Poor guy's in denial.

***
[Opens in a gift shop. People wearing tourist-ish clothing are poking around inside. Young children are screaming for expensive, delicate items, and their harried parents keep trying to take pictures. Suddenly, focus on a row of bird clocks. The Narrator, always off-camera, speaks.]

Narrator: Have you ever seen those clocks with bird's pictures on every hour? Every time they strike the hour, they do it according to whatever bird is on there. OK, I'm doing a shitty job of explaining. Sorry. For instance, instead of a 12, they have a hooting owl, and instead of gonging 12 times, it makes a hooting noise. Yeah, those clocks. Don't you hate 'em? Wouldn't you like to send them all into TFTBBNC?* One would THINK that any sane human would despise the things...but I digress. My point here, unfortunately, is that now we must treat these clocks with upmost respect. For it was one of their own who killed the Grand High Bitch of Upper Butt-Crack, the Queen of Bitchdom, the Most Stereotypical Whiner-Slut of them all...Miaka.

[Suddenly, a chorus of eager female voices echos Narrator.]

Hentais: Yea! Yea killing bitches!

[As Narrator continues, we see various scenes from the relevant episodes of Fushigi Yuugi.]

Narrator: Miaka, as most people are aware, was teleported back to her own world right around Episode Seven. While she was only away for a day or so by her reckoning, the constellations thus far --Hotohori, Nuriko, and Tamahome-- were without her for three months. While Tamahome was traumatized to the point of eating entire cabinets of china and getting guano in his hair...

[Onscreen, Tamahome is munching on a plate. Nuriko catches him right before he swallows, grabs the plate from his hands, and bashes it over his head. Bits of porcelain go everywhere, and Tama-baby's eyes turn into glittering stars, a la Roger Rabbit.]

Tamahome: Oooo! Stars!
Nuriko: Oh, would you fucking get over it!

Narrator: ...Nuriko and Hotohori were somewhat less affected.

[Scene switches to a forlorn Emperor-sama in the garden. He is staring despondently into a goldfish pool. Nuriko comes up behind him and touches him on the shoulder, smiling gently.]

Narrator: To be fair, the emperor DID mope around for a solid month. Then again, with Nuriko there to cheer him up...
Hentais: Yea Nuriko cheering him up!

[Much later at night. It's obvious that the two have been outside, talking eagerly, the entire time. Hotohori laughs at something Nuriko says, and the purple-haired man blushes, pleased.]

Narrator: As we hentais have always prayed for, the emperor and his fellow constellation became an item.

[Gently taking Nuriko's face in his hands, Hotohori kisses the other man.]

Hentais: Yea yaoi!
Homophobic hentai: Huh? What? They're gay?!
Narrator: Shut up! Anyhow! [As she continues, scenes flicker on the screen relevant to what she's saying.] They were completely stuck on each other, to the point where they were remniscent of Trowa and Quatre.
Hentais: Yea Gundam yaoi!
Homophobe: Trowa and Quatre are gay?! Aw man, they were my favorites too!
Narrator: AHEM! The advisors in the palace were positively thrilled that Ho-ri had finally chosen a suitable girl, and were now praying at Suzaku's altar for a proposal. They prayed at 15-minute intervals. However, the proposal had to wait. It wasn't for lack of trying; Hotohori popped the question perhaps nine times a day.

[Onscreen, Hori-sama gets on his knees and offers Nuriko a huge diamond. Turning as purple as his hair, the other constellation shakes his head.]

Hentais: Yea gay marriage!
Homophobe: How can they get married?! They're gay! Wait, they're gay???
Narrator: HOWEVER, Nuriko always refuted him. Our fave cross-dresser wanted to wait...and see how Hotohori would react when La Perra got back from Tokyo.
Hentais: Yea La Perra! Yea cross-dresser!

[Homophobe collapses on the proposal scene, twitching and bleeding profusely from the nose. Hotohori and Nuriko both give him weird glances. A hand grabs the Homophobe and drags him offscreen, leaving his goggles behind. The two constellations shrug.]

Narrator: (very frustrated) As all good things must end, so Miaka had to get back into the book. (aside) Damn! Hoped she'd stay lost this time...[As she goes on, the scenes she talks about take place onscreen.] Being the brain-dead chick she was, she was mentally incapable of noticing anything between Nuriko and Hotohori...despite that the former had moved into the latter's room. Also, because she's bizarre like that, she brought souveniers with her from Tokyo.

[Onscreen, Miaka hands each of the constellations their presents as the Narrator lists them. Each of the men do their best to keep a straight face.]

Narrator: To Nuriko, Miaka presented a Jigglypuff keychain, a pair of toe socks, three cans of jalapeno- flavored Spam, and a gigantic stuffed tiger. For Hotohori, she had a model kit for Ultimate WEAPON, a T-Shirt reading "Truman, You're On TV", an empty matchbox from the Longhorn Steakhouse, and a 24-pack of strawberry-flavored condoms which she'd mistaken for balloons.

[As Ho-ri recieves the condoms, he casts Nuriko a decidedly wicked glance. The two men cackle.]

Hentais: Yea strawberry-flavored condoms!
Homophobe: Sick! All of you! Sick!
Hentai leader: Then why the hell are you here? Denial ain't just a river in Egypt!
Narrator: (deeply annoyed) Alas, she had forgotten all about Tamahome, and had grabbed a half-eaten box of oatmeal creme cookies on her way to the library.
Hentais: Yea oatmeal cream cookies!
Homophobe: (highly agitated) I don't get it!
Narrator: Each accepted his gifts in turn, and each was able to maintain poker faces until the empty- headed baka skipped out of the room.

[Miaka, bouncing and peppy, bounds out of the room. The second she goes, the three men burst into gales of tear-jerking laughter.]

Narrator: And, oh yes--Miaka had brought for herself some decent razor blades, and a bird clock. With extra batteries.
Hentai leader: Dun dun DUUUUUUUUUUN!

[The characters act it out onscreen as Narrator speaks.]

Narrator: She hung the clock up on the wall in her bathroom. It ticked away just above her mirror, making its goddam chirping noise on the hour, every hour. Poor Tama-baby, who was gleefully sharing Miaka's bed, was nearly driven crazy. He'd be THIS CLOSE to falling asleep, when from the bathroom would come a bellowing "EEKEEKEEKEEK!" He'd jump up, thinking that Miaka had found a cockroach in her underwear or something, but no! it was always that fucking wren!

[Focus on a closed bedroom door. Questionable noises and groans of pleasure can be clearly heard.]

Narrator: You can guess which of Hotohori's presents he and Nuriko enjoyed immensely...
Hentais: Yea putting condoms to good use!
Homophobe: No! NO! Disgusting!
Narrator: Shut up or get out!

[Switch to Suzaku's altar. A fire is burning merrily at its base.]

Narrator: All the other stuff was burned on Suzaku's altar, along with the most annoying of the advisors.

[As she speaks, a short, pissy-looking guy is thrown on the fire. He screams and contorts as he quickly burns into ash.]

Hentais: Yea ritualistic murder!
Narrator: When it was obvious that Hotohori didn't intend on switching sides, Nuriko consented to marriage.

[Onscreen, Hotohori gets on his knees again, and offers the same diamond. This time, Nuriko quickly snatches the ring, shoves it on the right finger, and pins the emperor to the ground. The camera doesn't show what's going on, but one can guess.]

Hentais: Damn! We can't see!
Homophobe: But I thought Nuriko was a GIRL!
Narrator: We already warned about spoilers, you ass!...However, there was still a problem before the two guys could get hitched.

[Hotohori and Nuriko pop up into view. The emperor looks disheveled, and his partner's makeup is smeary.]

Nuriko: No, there isn't!
Narrator: Yes, there is!
Hotohori: Damn! You and your fucking plot twists!
Narrator: (ignoring the pouting dudes) The PROBLEM was that they were concerned over how Miaka and Tamahome were going to take the news.
Nuriko: Why the hell would we do that?!
Narrator: I'm getting there!...After all, the miko and her puppy knew full well that Nuriko was a male, and if he married Hotohori, it might destroy their tiny minds.
Nuriko: ...Good point.
Narrator: So, showing great respect--
Hotohori: --And restraint--
Narrator: --And restraint, they decided to ease the others into the idea. But as it happened, this wouldn't be too much of a problem.

[Switch to outside of palace. It's black as pitch, with all the lights off but one.]

Narrator: It was getting up towards midnight, the night it happened. Nuriko and Hotohori, after several hours of bliss, had dropped into sleep.

[Show the two men sleeping, with their arms draped around each other.]

Hentais: Yea bliss!
Narrator: Tamahome, unable to drift off with the fucking clock going off on the hour, had banged his head against the wall until he attained sweet unconsciousness.

[Switch to Tamahome. Alone in bed, he has a huge knot on his forehead and is drooling profusely.]

Narrator: Miaka, because she's really stupid like that, was shaving her legs in the bathroom. She was the only soul in the palace still awake.

[Switch to Miaka in the bathroom. She is standing with one leg propped up on the sink for maximum shaving range. Every 6.810592637980251 seconds, she makes a whimper noise as she nicks herself with the razor. The shaving cream on her legs has gone pink.]

Narrator: Suddenly, she blinked as a thought occured to her.

[Miaka blinks.]

Miaka: A thought just occured to me. Why the hell am I doing this now, instead of in the morning?
Narrator: Because it's so much funnier this way!
Miaka: Oh. Well, OK then.
Hentais: Yea funny!
Homophobe: My head hurts!
Narrator: (out-shouting the hollering Hentais, as Miaka acts out what she says) As Miaka pondered her thoughts, and other such questions you won't find on "Greed", 11:59 turned into 12:00, and the clock began to hoot. Startled, she cried out and dropped her razor. She also slipped on a gob of shaving cream, hit the floor like a sack of shit, and broke her leg in five places.
Hentais: Yea German Shisa videos!
Homophobe: Where'd THAT come from?!

[The clock goes off. Miaka gasps and loses her grip on the razor. She slips and falls. Five rapid cracks accompany her fall, like M-60's all in a row. Her eyes bulge in anime-style shock as she opens her big mouth to scream:]

Miaka: TAMA-BABYYYYYYYYYYY!
Narrator: However, Tama-baby was in a self-induced coma, and wouldn't wake up for twenty years.
Hentais: Yea coma!
Homophobe: How I envy Tamahome...
Miaka: Damn! NURI!! HORI-SAMA!!!

[In the Emperor's bedroom. Hotohori pokes his head up from under the tangle of sheets and their bodies.]

Hotohori: Did you hear that?
Nuriko: (sleepily) It was just Miaka breaking her legs and screaming desperately for help...go back to sleep.
Hotohori: (thinks, then shrugs) Oh, OK.

[Back in the bathroom, Miaka struggles fruitlessly to stand.]

Narrator: Her right leg nothing but a bundle of broken toothpicks, Miaka struggled fruitlessly to stand.
Miaka: I don't need a play-by-play commentary!
Narrator: Shut up, you're dead! HOWEVER, her voracious eating habits chose that moment to catch up with her. While she never appeared to physically gain weight, her extreme density gave her the weight of a small planet. Her one working chicken-leg couldn't hope to support this tremendous load. She tripped again, this time cracking her fat head on the floor, and went unconscious.
Hentais: Yea density! Yea tripping!
Homophobe: I know y'all are tripping...

[Miaka struggles, falls, hits her head. Little chibi versions of Cow and Chicken dance around her head as she slips into unconsciousness.]

Narrator: She bled to death from her razor nicks before anybody found her, which was a good five days later.
Hentais: Yea razor nicks!

[We're shown Miaka's bedroom. Chichiri enters. He looks worriedly at Tamahome, who hadn't moved in five days.]

Chichiri: Tamahome? Are you alive no da?
Tamahome: (blows a spit bubble)

[Chichiri goes into the bathroom, and gasps. The tile floor is covered with a scum of blood. Miaka lays prone on the floor, whiter than a vampire's victim.]

Chichiri: ... ... ... I didn't see anything no da. I saw nothing no da. Nothing no da! I'm not even supposed to be here yet no da!
Narrator: With Tamahome in a coma and Miaka dead as dogshit, Nuriko and Hotohori were free to get married.
Hentais: Yea gay marriage again!

[Onscreen, we see the very end of the marriage ceremony. Hotohori lifts the veil and kisses an ecstatic Nuriko with infinite gentleness.]

Narrator: They adopted twenty kids and lived long, happy lives. Miaka was buried in an unmarked grave and quickly forgotten.
Hentais: Yea unmarked graves!

[Switch to a desert-canyon. The wind whistles and howls, blowing sand everywhere. A coyote sniffs at a suspicious mound in the earth, and eagerly starts digging for a treat.]

Hentai leader: (sings) And it's one more bitch up in the canyon...
Narrator: So you see, we must all pay homage to those fucking bird-clock thingees. They are annoying and obnoxious and vapid and pointless, but we should never forget one thing...it was they who got rid of something even MORE annoying and obnoxious and vapid and pointless. Good night, and God bless 'em!
Homophobe: Too much information about gays...must use Leader's spork to kill myself...

~OWARI~
*TFTBBNC: the flames that burn but not consume. It's a Drew Carrey Show thing.